More Than A Mother...

               

Jennifer & her Mom Holly

I thought long and hard about this entry and what I wanted it to convey to it's readers. I  try to be as honest as I can be so that my experiences can act as a lesson for others and encourage them as well. This time I want to talk about a subject that truly hits close to home, and that is the healing of broken and damaged family relationships. Let me explain. For years, I struggled with my relationship with my mother. Like all mother-daughter relationships, we have had some rocky times. We have not always seen eye to eye and agreed on my life choices. We have argued and bickered and lost precious time focusing on who is right and who is wrong and what one did to hurt the other. There were times when I thought I would never get to a place where I could do anything pleasing in my mother's eyes. 

Now that I am older and more focused on my faith and belief in God, I realize so many things that I missed while I was growing into womanhood and struggling against my mother's expectations. Often as young adults, we think that we know everything and that our mothers are controlling (and in some cases they can be) and are determined to undermine the fact that we are now adults and capable of making our own decisions without maternal interference. In my case, I spent so much time in defiance of my mother's opinions , that I failed to realize how valuable they truly were to my life. Often I think to myself..."If I had just listened to my Mama." I came to this realization when I began to see her not just as "my mother" but as a woman. A woman as strong willed, independent and courageous as I thought I was... A woman, who in the end, simply wanted the best for her only daughter. What we as daughters and sons fail to realize is that our mothers were women first. She is a woman and therefore capable of all the flaws and failures that come with being human. She is not perfect and she needs the same emotional and physical love that we all seek. She has a past and she, more often than not, has experienced life at its worst and at its best. When I started to relate to my mother as a woman, like me, we found a common ground. As we grow older I see that our likenesses far outweigh our differences. I see her as a woman that loved me so passionately and fiercely that sometimes what I took as anger was frustration because she could not shield me from the hurt that she knew life would bring me because of the decisions I made, because she had been faced with the same life lessons and knew the outcome.

Healing in any relationship starts with first realizing what the problems are and then making an effort confront those problems with honesty and a willing commitment to resolve them. Although my mother and I did not seek professional counseling, I absolutely encourage others to do so. Sometimes an outside opinion or counselor can see the situation more clearly than those that are involved in the conflict. What we did, honestly, was commit to love each other and simply listen to the other person. I chose to respect her opinions and search for the wisdom in them, rather than taking a defensive stance when they didn't align with the way I saw things. My mother, on the other hand, allows me to agree to disagree. Although I may not approach my life choices the way she would have, she respects that I am a mother and an adult and as long as the outcome is positive, the road I choose to get there is not as important. She sees me as a mother first and then as a daughter. We found a common ground and have been building on that.

Our conversations are no longer emotional tug of wars, but a comparison of opinions. I listen with an open ear and a willing heart to her words. I learn from her years and her wisdom. I respect her insight.  She listens to me now as well. The dynamic of our relationship has changed so much because now as a mother of a teenage son, I can relate and understand those complex emotions a mother feels when you see the child that you have nurtured their whole life, growing and developing into a person separate from yourself.

I share this to let my readers know that God can heal any relationship. He can bring clarity and understanding to any amount or kind of confusion. I also truly believe that my belief in God is the reason why our relationship has improved so much. The more I allowed God into my life and into my heart the more compassion and grace I was able to show my mother as well as others in my life. My spiritual growth continues to promote a positive progression in all aspects of my life. This Mother's Day is very special for me. It's special not just because it is a national holiday set aside to honor mothers, but because I will be spending it with my mother, and we are closer than we have been in the 39 years God has granted me breath. God has opened the lines of communication and repaired damage caused by rushed judgement and harsh words that have been the cause of so much hurt. I look forward to the years that we have ahead of us and the lessons she has yet to teach me. I love her as my mother and I respect her as a woman and I am proud to have her as my friend.